Empty Rooms & Full Hearts

Sometimes it’s not about what the words mean, but the way they sound. Just because you can’t understand a language doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy the melody of words strung together. Like listening to old french ballads or german poetry read aloud. You learn to love the blend of syllables. 


 

19:28pm, 19 October

Sooner than I expected I received a text from him (we’re all like old friends now hey? Sharing this journey as well as my thoughts with you all and what have you. I may as well use his name) – Razeen texted me soon after we met, as in a half an hour after he left.
We didn’t dive into a whole new conversation.

We did not stay up all night talking.

We did not exchange selfies.

We did, however make plans to see each other again. It did not occur to me to “play it cool” I’ve never been one to curb my enthusiasm (I’ll admit that sometimes that’s a bad thing) or pretend to be aloof to protect my pride. I was never interested in the “chase”

I drew no thrill from hiding my feelings- regardless of their depth, or masquerading to be someone I am not. I felt like if I was to marry this man, he should know- truly know- that I am a storm of passion. I love the things I love  with every fibre of my being, I hate the things I hate-

*clears throat* zionists

I do these things without fear of hurt. My psychological pain threshold is high. I suppose it makes up for the fact that my physical pain threshold is the height of a new born’s crib.


At our next meeting I compiled a list of 23 questions. The least embarrassing ones I will share with you:

  1. Are you an affectionate person?
  2. What makes you angry / do you get angry or irritated quickly?
  3. What are your short and long term goals?
  4. Are you playful?
  5. If we got married, where would we stay?
  6. Are you okay with me studying?
  7. How many kids do you want?
  8. What are your hobbies?
  9. Are you patient?

We spoke about deen, friends and family. We discovered shared interests and personality traits. He wanted me to meet his sisters, one older and one younger (but both older than me) and their children. My mom sat with his mom- they could see us but thankfully, couldn’t hear my embarrassing questions. Across a large mahogany table I told him that even if we didn’t get married, and this didn’t work out, we could be happy in the fact that at this moment our Creator SWT was pleased with us. Pleased with us following the sunnah.


We spoke for two hours, I didn’t feel time, I existed in the spaces between each laugh, each   question. My cheeks hurt from smiling. We agreed that we should be as open and frank as possible. He asked me several questions. I caught on quickly that we both knew what kind of people we were and what we wanted. It was at the end of our second meeting that I knew I wanted to marry him, and he was blunt: he wanted to marry me too.


 

Dubai 2016

 

The entire city is man made. It’s all concrete and metal.

There’s endless endless rows of skyscrapers and traffic.

Everything there is superficial. We decided to spend our time doing activities, as opposed to shopping. Among other things we went on a dessert safari, I realised my dream of riding a camel and witnessing people swallow and throw flames.

It was strange for me to be so alone with someone I had just met a month ago, yet somehow it was not strange. He was no longer a stranger. He was now my husband, my family.

A friend of mine sent me this message a couple days ago: 


I almost don’t want to say.

How it was I mean. I almost want to say nothing changed between you and your family and friends. I didn’t know how to handle the adjustment. Razeen went from stranger to acquaintance to husband. He rose to the top of my priority list. My sister and I, had to adjust to not seeing each other every second of every day. There was an almost permanent underlying feeling of missing.

Missing my mom, dad, sister and brother. Missing my friends.

With some I had uneasy conversations filled with uneasy silences. I was missing, in a bubble. I was floating outside of every loop. It took several weeks to find a balance between  being a wife, daughter, sister and friend. I’m still not sure if I’ve got it down.

The only relationship that did not change was my relationship with my parents. If anything my mother and I have become closer.


Wish me luck with my first day as a UCT student 

xo Effzed

 

 

 

 

 

 

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