Is this nostalgia or is this the knowing?
Am I remembering how things were or am I discovering how things are now?
And is it stiffness in the air that I’m breathing or is it stillness?
It’s different now, I know
But it’s more than that, more than a few differences;
You’re like a whole new person wearing the same face
I recognize your expressions, your quirks, your smile
I recognize your skin- I know it as well as I know my own.
Your hands have always felt like this.
Your voice has always sounded like this.
You’ve always been overwhelming in a way that didn’t suffocate me
And the difference is suddenly clear to me: it is the distance
Our every interaction is laced with space
With more spaces than we can count, no wires can tighten these gaps
Gaps of time
Potholes in the road to who we are right now
Bottomless- no… they’ve already been filled and filed to the perfection
By someone else
Multiple someone elses
Now we’re sliding into our old selves
Trying to accommodate our new selves
Without revealing too much
Trying to morph and change into the last recognizable shape for the other- for each other
It’s a courtesy
It’s an apology
It finally feels like enough
It finally feels sincere